Cop Corner: A Ball Biting Good Time

There's been no small amount of negative press about the police lately. Cop/civilian relations are at an all time low right now, and I would feel terrible about piling onto that rhetoric if it wasn't so well deserved.

Let me start by saying something very important: We here at Citizen Roots Magazine don't think that every cop is hapless, corrupt, or murderous. That would be as stupid as saying that every black person is a criminal or that every smart ass writer is unbelievably good looking. That's only true in some cases.

That being said, we are sick of seeing police officers who fit the stupid/over-reaching/murderous categories, going about their business as if they were good people. We feel very strongly that it's our duty as concerned citizens and patriots, to shine a light as far up their asses as we can.

Cop's Corner is something that we will be doing every issue because, sadly, there seems to be no shortage of stories about police brutality, corruption, or civil rights violations. Sometimes this column will be about more serious subjects, and sometimes it will be a parade of dick jokes. Since all I have to combat these atrocities is a keen eye for details, an endless barrel of sarcasm, and an affinity for long-winded sex puns, those are the tools that I will be employing to expose the darker side of policing in America. Enjoy!

There's been a lot of coverage about police killings of unarmed citizens (most of whom are black) in the news lately, but there's another story you may not have heard. I promise you, no matter how much it sounds like I'm making this up, I'm absolutely not. The information you're about to read is real, I just have to figure out how to start.

Okay. So, do you know about Rocky Mountain Oysters? People eat them, and I assume they probably have a viscous texture, but that's where the similarities between them and actual oysters likely end. They're bull balls. I'm not certain of the specifics of their preparation, but I do know that you can buy them at baseball games and state fairs.

Well, it seems that Maryland has no interest in letting the Rocky Mountain's testicle eating game go unanswered, but they have a slightly different approach. The 'Maryland Oyster' is making my lower stomach hurt just thinking about it.

Apparently, Anne Arundel County Police Officer Michael Flaig, was having himself one hell of a Cinco de Mayo, when he got in a fight at a bar. To his credit (I guess) he was off duty at the time, but what came next is a horrifying, albeit funny in a terrible kind of a way, display of the kinds of absolute lunatics that are given badges from time to time.

According to police reports, Flaig, who's a ten year veteran of the Anne Arundel Police Department, got in a fist fight with a guy because he was making unwelcome sexual advances toward the guy's roommate. Doing what any good roommate would do, and probably not having any idea what kind of a demented psycho he was dealing with, the unidentified man defended his friend's honor, and wound up in a fist fight outside of the bar with Officer Flaig.

Well, it seems that our unnamed knight in shining armor got the best of the drunken, off duty cop, and wound up straddling his shoulders with his knees. For you passive types who may not know, this is an excellent position from which to punch the living shit out of someone's face. It's almost impossible for them to get up, and they have no real use of their arms, on account of your knees are dug into their shoulders. If you're the guy on your back, there's not a whole hell of a lot that you can do about your precarious situation. I mean, you can try to wrap your mouth around the other guy's nuts and bite down, but what kind of maniac would have that reaction?

Officer fuckin' Flaig, that's who. Now, when I was in middle school, my friend James Vialpando and I were talking about fighting, when his dad Victor interjected with “I don't give a fuck. I'll bite somebody on the nuts to when a fight if I have to.” He said this like it was just a normal part of a casual conversation, and I've remembered it for the last fifteen years.

The biggest difference is that Victor Vialpando isn't a cop. He's a rowdy biker who used to be Chuck Norris' bodyguard. In all honesty, I wouldn't judge him one bit if he actually did “bite someone on the nuts” if it meant that he won the fight. Not just because I would be afraid to judge him, lest my nuts get bitten, but because it would be perfectly acceptable for him to do it. He's only responsible for protecting himself, his family, and, years ago, Chuck Norris. You expect a cop to be able to keep his mouth off of a stranger's balls during a fight, whether he's drunk or not.

The most disturbing part of this all is the fact that someone with a mental defect, so severe that he's a potentially compulsive nut biter, is allowed to carry around a gun and an inflated sense of authority.

First of all, it takes an extremely juvenile and underdeveloped maturity level to get in a fight with someone at a bar because you're being an annoying, drunken dipshit, who won't leave their friend alone. Did I mention that this asswipe is 31 years old? I'm a smart ass to the point that it borders on being detrimental to the normal function of my life, who can't resist making a fart noise every time someone bends over to pick something up, and corrects strangers on their hideous grammar, and even I haven't been in a bar fight since I was legally allowed to actually go into a bar. Let that marinate for a second. This cop is less mature than a grown adult who makes fart noises with his mouth every time somebody bends over in front of him, and then giggles for five minutes after, because farts are that fucking funny.

All jokes aside, it really does show that this sack-biting madman will immediately behave in a way that most of us wouldn't consider until we were at about our sixth or seventh option. This was his initial response. It really does make my stomach turn to think about what's really going on behind that Cro-Magnon brow of his. What happens when he pulls over some college kid who starts giving him shit? Will he unload his gun into their face like we saw in San Antonio? What about when someone's fleeing from him, and their fuzzy nuggets are out of mouth's reach? Will he shoot them in the back six times like they were Walter Scott?

While this is certainly an easy thing for me to sit here and make fun of, and it's undeniable that there's an intrinsic comedic value to testicles in general, the reality is that this incident is extremely disturbing. It should be obvious to everyone that Flaig has some mental issues and demons that need exploring. But, as is custom whenever a cop acts in the way that you would expect from an injured chimp with dementia, he got paid leave. That's police code for paid vacation. I personally can't wait for the day that the police quit giving me things to write about.

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