Meat Eaters Are Already as Obnoxious as Vegans

There's a video by JP Sears called “If Meat Eaters Acted Like Vegans” that's getting a lot of traction on the internet right now. It's a parody of meat eaters acting like vegans (in case you couldn't work that out on your own). It has all of the rhythms of your stereotypical, hyper-preachy, 'Burning Man' type vegan, but with red meat replacing the core of their meals. It has diatribes about the wondrous health benefits of an all-meat diet, statistics about the harm that kale causes the environment, and two carnivores tickling each others proverbial tits about how great they are for their dietary choices. I was tagged in the comments section of this thing quite a few times, and it honestly made me laugh at first. Everyone who knows me knows that I enjoy making fun of everything, including (and sometimes especially) my fellow vegans. But then, as I discussed the video with my wife, she pointed out that it's exactly what meat eaters do, and she was completely right. If you don't think carnivores can be just as obnoxious as people who make their own deodorant with the help of the commune, keep reading.

I gave up meat 15 years ago, and if I had a dollar for every time I was given shit about it with no provocation on my part, I could cover my mortgage for like three or four months. That may not seem like a lot, but we're talking about a dollar at a time here. It's my family's favorite game when I'm home for the holidays. My mom, sister and I don't eat meat, and the “Hey guys. Want some ham? We have turkey too. There's parsley on it. I guess you'll probably just eat that.” jokes have never gotten old in that time. I don't really give a flying shit what you eat. I'm well aware that me constantly getting in everyone's ass for their diet is never going to make them want to learn about the finer points of that diet. You guys should try to realize the same thing.

In fact, the only time my vegan diet is brought up by me is if you invite me to dinner, because I'm fat and I wanna eat. I have to plan accordingly. Otherwise, it's always people that I know who feel the need to work it in to conversations. If you offer me bacon and eggs, I'll respond with “No thanks.” If you do it in front of anyone I know, they'll chime in with a slightly disdainful “He's a vegan.” I don't ever say that. If someone is polite enough to offer me food, I'm polite enough to decline with brevity, freeing up their mouths to consume their meal.

The other thing that y'all do to us, is constantly remind us about bacon. Yes, we've had bacon. Yes, it's delicious. Nobody quits eating meat because it doesn't taste good. Most of us have a vast knowledge of the ins and outs of factory farming, and we've decided not to give them our money. Others are in it for the health benefits. Personally, I like beer too much to be part of the latter camp. The incessant need to try to make us regret our choice by telling us how you would die without bacon, isn't as effective (or original) as you think it is.

“But how do you get your protein?!” This is always asked, but never with genuine concern about our protein intake. It's always used as a 'gotcha' question. The subtext behind it is “You're a dumbass, and you don't even know that you need protein to survive!” Beans, mother fucker. Beans.

Then there's the never ending hypotheticals. “What about the micro-organisms that live on plants? How do you know plants don't have feelings? What if you had a gun, and a bear tried to attack you? What if you were stranded in the woods and all there was to eat were animals? You'd starve!” No. I wouldn't. Hopefully you and your stupid ass questions would be in the woods with me, and I could dig plenty of meat out of your hollowed out skull. The peace and quiet that goes with it would also be nice. Being vegan doesn't eliminate our basic instinct for survival. But it's 2016, and most of us live in cities with fucking grocery stores, and a very low population of rampaging bears.

Don't flatter yourselves by thinking that we're the ones who can't stop talking about being vegan. Most of us are sick of explaining it to you every time we try to take a bite of something. Just like closeted priests who constantly rant from the pulpit about the evils of a gay lifestyle, you're likely just veggie-curious. Maybe your afraid that you'll enjoy sliding some piping hot seitan sausage down your throat, so you lash out. But it's ok if you wanna try it. We won't tell your friends.

I'll end this rant with a quote from my sister, Britney. “My food is going to go in my mouth, through my intestines, and out of my asshole. At no point during that time will it be passing through your business.”

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