How To Vote For Hillary Clinton (if You Must) Without Throwing Up


It's hard for me to not be absolutely certain in a campaign cycle. I've never had an existential crisis during a primary. I usually have the right pony picked pretty early on, and then I can just coast through the general election. This is a completely different election year. We didn't have a stage full of low-stakes shades of gray. We had a Corporatist in a $12,000 pantsuit and a Socialist who dressed like your grandpa's oldest friend, because he didn't “give a rip” anymore! This was not what we were used to seeing.

This election has me scrambling like a fat kid going after an over-sized t-shirt at a swimming pool. I was all in the bag for Bernie, thinking that this just might be the year that Dems didn't completely fuck everything up. I felt the tinges of hope that haven't visited the American electorate since Obama's first run. It seemed like the old crank that a lot of us loved had a real shot at that top seat. Hillary supporters would've voted for him because their blind party allegiance is why they're Hillary supporters in the first place, and progressives would've voted for him because of his amazing policies. There's a reason that Sanders took a big chunk out of Trump in every poll, while Hillary continues to lag behind. Unfortunately, Bernie's out, so none of this really matters now. This article isn't about Sanders anyway.

Bernie's half-assed endorsement of Hillary Clinton was about as effective in recruiting Sanders' supporters to her camp as promising vasectomies with rusty spoons for all Americans! It wasn't appealing, and it turned a lot of people off. She's been booed by a goodly portion of every audience that hears her name throughout the Democratic National Convention, which I've never seen before. A candidate being booed at her own convention just by her name getting mentioned is unbelievable. I'm among the booers, I'm just doing it from my couch because I can't afford the time off to get to Philly, but it's still enthusiastic enough to startle the neighbors. It didn't help that Clinton picked Kaine as her running mate, passing over several picks that may have enticed Independents, and has dismissed Bernie supporters at every turn. Hillary Clinton is acting like an $8 dominatrix. She spits in the mouths of a huge amount of progressives, and then threatens us with further torment if we don't do what she says.

So what do we do? How do we vote for an ass-wagon like Hillary Clinton after she donkey punched us with no reach-around?A Trump White House would be an attractive vengeance against all of the pro-Hillary idiots if it wouldn't usher in the end of the human experiment almost immediately. Not being Trump is really all she's got working for her. But there is a way to stifle your vomit long enough to vote for Clinton, keep Trump at arms length, and take it in the ass for the greater good, if you just follow a few simple steps.

Clinton may be the human equivalent of a Red Lobster dumpster in the Texas sun in August, but she's not a complete idiot. If she should manage to finagle the Presidency with the same kind of twisted cronyism that she used to jam her inferior ass into the Democratic primary spot, then she'll do anything that she can to keep her Presidency for two full terms. She's not gonna gamble her re-election on vetoing progressive bills, even if her sponsors have her on a short golden leash. This is the only reason to vote for her. Trump will veto every one of them out of hubris. If you watch The Apprentice, you can hear his chemically loaded erection thump the table every time he shouts “Ya fired!” at every dipshit with low enough self-esteem to be on his show in the first place. Can you imagine the all-natural half-chub that he'd get with veto power? Don't actually imagine it. That may ruin your sex life.

But who's gonna propose these progressive bills that Clinton may have to stomach through at least her first term? That's the rub. If you wanna keep the unprecedented momentum of the revolution that Bernie started, then we all have to work our asses off to get the most forward-thinking Congressman and Senators possible into our local leadership. We need to hunt them down, campaign on their behalf, and then vote for them. We're all stuck on who's going to be President, but they don't really decide what legislation passes. They rarely write policy, they don't have any power over a combative Congress, and they can't even veto a law if it passes by a two-thirds majority. They can pull Executive Orders, but that tends to mar their legacy. Legacy is everything with people like the Clinton's, so there's a good chance that she won't teabag us all with executive actions too often.

It's absolutely critical that we put the right asses in chairs. It really doesn't matter if Clinton is a progressive herself, as long as we stack the deck with people who are. The one thing that I can say about Hillary Clinton is that she's wonderfully predictable. If she's standing in front of a Congress that's loaded with real progressives, then she'll gladly help push their policies through. Voting for her out of fear is a terrible idea. Voting for her because she won't try to steamroll a progressive majority in the House isn't. It's really our only shot at a future anyway. We're all in. There's very little to lose now.

The fact of the matter is that everyone who believed that this election would be different, myself included, got masterfully fucked. There's still a shot at the revolution that had all of us nipping at the bit, it's just gotten a lot harder now. As much as the Clinton campaign wants to bully you into voting for her, there's another way to stop Trump. How many of Obama's policies came to pass completely unfettered? Not many, if you'll recall. That's because he had one of the most disagreeable Congresses in history. We need to forget about this Presidential election, and get our guys in office on the lower level. Congressional and Senatorial campaigns aren't as sexy, but they really are the only one's that matter this time. The only thing that we need to do as far as the Executive Branch is concerned, is elect someone who isn't gonna veto every bill that doesn't pass with a super majority, and doesn't have such an upsetting disposition that we all get nuked during the inauguration. That's literally it.

But I'm still down to vote for Jill Stein if y'all are into it.

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