Burkinis Are Making France as Crazy as America


It's been a while since more than half of America lost their cool with France for not supporting the war in Iraq, and it seems like French politicians liked what they saw. Twelve years ago, every Ford F150 had a “Boycott France” sticker on it's rusted bumper, French fries became Freedom fries, and we damn near re-gifted the Statue of Liberty so we wouldn't have a constant reminder of those exotic foreigners who broke our red, white, and blue hearts.

While we've gone further down the stark, raving rabbit hole in the subsequent years (as evidenced by our current presidential race), our lunacy hasn't been directed toward the land of baguettes since Dubya was in office. Clearly tired of the US monopolizing the market on weird laws that make no sense and that solve nothing, now France wants a piece of the crazy pie. Or eclair, I guess.

Many cities in France have recently passed laws banning Muslim women from wearing 'burkinis' at the beach. A burkini is a form of swimwear that helps Muslim women stay modest and enjoy the ocean at the same time, and the French government has ruled that it violates the ideals of a secular society. There are so many problems with their logic that it's hard to know where to begin.

I guess the obvious starting point is that this is a bit like an opening step to the secular version of Sharia law. Punishing women for not wearing state approved garments under a secular precedence is no better than doing the same thing under a religious one. It's hard for some people to comprehend, but it's possible for both sides of the religious line to be overbearing assholes. The government in France is doing the exact thing that they criticize Muslims for doing.

You don't have to be a supporter of burkas, or any other clothing dictated by religion, to realize that banning outfits won't do anything to help keep your society secular. But that's not really the point of the law anyway. If it was just about keeping France secular as a whole, then we'd see laws about yamakas and crucifix necklaces being banned as well. It's about France joining the confusion that Muslims and terrorists are the same thing. It's about putting a boot on the neck of the person who looks like she maybe went to middle school with a guy who looks kinda like the guy who shot up your theater. That's it. It's the wrong boot on the wrong neck, and it's just one more example of an overreaching law being used as a misguided attack on terrorism.

In addition to the blanket stupidity of the law itself, France is now threatening legal action against people who are sharing the picture of French police enforcing it, which went viral last week. The photo in question is of a group of French cops harassing a Muslim woman on the beach, forcing her to remove her religious garb while her daughter allegedly cries off camera. But if this law is so just, and their government passed it to combat terrorism and keep their land secular, then why would they be so skiddish about people seeing it enforced? It's because they know, somewhere in the back of the part of their tiny minds that still processes logic, that the law itself is completely absurd. Seeking litigation against people who share the photo on the internet is also absurd, by the way. It's kind of like shooting up a newspaper office because you don't like their pictures. As Charlie Hebdo proved, it's not gonna have the affect that the attacking group is hoping for.

France is going full-force against a group of people who have ideas that the majority of the population doesn't understand, but also isn't affected by. They're using the police to go after people who are literally doing nothing. Can you really bother someone less in public than by lying fully clothed on a beach? This infraction is less bothersome to the populous than jay walking, but the French authorities are going for it anyway. We may arrest kids in America for burping in class, but France is hot on our crazy heels!

The sad reality is that logic is being savagely fucked to death from all sides. England has a British version of Trump, America has actual Trump, and France is harassing women on the beach for choosing to keep their tits in. We seem to be experiencing a bizarre global regression to the Dark Ages.

But I would like to welcome France to the deranged fold. As an American, I feel it's my duty to offer you some advice to ease your transition. Firstly, always be sure of your argument, never letting silly little things like reason or facts sway you. Secondly, if you find yourself in a group of people who largely disagree with you, they'll likely be the 'reading types,' using actual information to conflate their viewpoint into those of the listeners. Make sure that you yell over them, call them 'anti-French,' and threaten to beat their asses if they don't shut their damn mouths! Lastly, and this is most important of all, boycott things that are even loosely associated with Islam. Falafels? Hell no! Clothing that covers wrists or ankles? Not on your life, fella! Hell, I wouldn't even let schools teach algebra, seeing as the Muslims invented it. Of course, if you support the no burkini thing, you probably aren't doing a whole lot of that thinky math anyway. Good for you! You're already ahead of the game.

So, welcome, France. Enjoy the fall. If you remain diligent in your blind ignorance, you'll have your own pretend billionaire running on a card of hatred, lies, and bigotry in no time! I can't wait to hear French Toby Keith playing his nauseatingly patriotic songs on his accordion, wearing a beret with your flag emblazoned in sequence!

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