Six Easy Steps for Creating a Conspiracy

With Alex Jones being scrubbed by nearly every social media platform, and now being strung up by the FCC, a vacuum (likely temporary) has been created in the screaming, periodically shirtless, conspiracy host market.

Before we get any deeper here, understand that this article has nothing to do with the ins and outs of those decisions. There are a lot of layers to the onion in regards to Jones' recent troubles, but that's not what we're doing here. This is more like a job fair for his inevitable replacement.

Ok. Moving on.

When coming up with your very own conspiracy theory, just shouting about demons from hell worshiping Obama at a Mosque built by gay frogs, just won't do. Not at first, anyway. You'll wanna get a good base developed before you start freestyling with the truly ludicrous.

But how? How do you get a solid tale about the undercrust of our political world to take hold? Here are six easy steps to get you started on the right and reliable path of serious conspiracy development:

1. Identify your demographic- Now, this step can be deceptively complicated. You can't just troll the wreckage of the Infowars comments sections and hope you get enough takers. You'll need to put in more effort than that.

My recommendation would be to lean into the religious crowd. Especially the Evangelicals. Not only are they plentiful in the US, but over 60% of them genuinely believe that there was a point in somewhat recent history during which water covered the entire Earth because god got pissed off. This is a group that is primed to cheer for a marathon of mental gymnastics to support an absurd idea.

They're also historically game for a good conspiracy. I remember my grandma spending an unhealthy portion of the mid- 90's wholly convinced that mega distribution company Procter & Gamble was giving half of their money to the Church of Satan. She even went so far as to say that the company was going to change their logo to a goat's head with horns twisted into a 666. There is no shortage of passengers for every kind of bandwagon loading up the pews right now.

2. Pick a subject- It's crucial to snatch up the right topic for your maiden conspiracy. If you try to take the lazy route with something like the JFK assassination or the moon landing, not even an ark can save you from drowning in the sea of theories that headed you off.

Go for an idea that's just obscure enough to be new, but relevant to enough people that someone is bound to give a shit. This will make the reader/listener/viewer feel the need to become heavily invested in what you're peddling. They'll feel smart for sliding in on the ideological ground floor, and heroic for spreading the good word to all of those sheeple who are just happy enough to be lost in their ignorance; never even attempting to hear your great idea.

3. Make sure your subject loosely mingles with established facts- It's absolutely paramount that you don't fuck this one up. If you have no facts that you can bastardize to support your point, then skeptics will have a field day.

On the other hand, if you try to force your theory to copulate too closely to a fact, then you'll also be easily disproved. This is what separates the pillow fighters from the gladiators in this particular arena.

4. Seek unfalsifiability- This concept is a bit of a two-parter. You'll need to couple a foray into the absurdity of the unfalsifiable with a profound dismissal of the burden of proof.

Have you ever wondered how people can believe in asinine religious claims, despite bottomless scientific evidence that trounces those beliefs? It's because YOU can't prove that it wasn't a god, and THEY shift that burden to those who would try. It's the same basic concept.

5. Make sure that you're correct sometimes- Fortunately for you, we live in an era in which the dried husk of a corpse of a fact passes for a hard truth. Unfortunately, you'll need to get something that you can at least pass off as right sooner than later. You don't have the fortune of being able to just spew things out at such a volume that you're bound to hit on something. Not yet, anyway. So, ease in. Grab some low-hanging fruit to set your credibility. Maybe take a strange scientific study about cloning tadpoles, and spin it into something about being a baseline to create an asexual species to further the feminist agenda to eradicate men (see step three).

6. Spread the word!- This is where all of your hard work comes to fruition. The right conspiracy mixed with the right base, will have you getting those White House re-Tweets in no time!

Social media is a great way to stoke your point of view into an inferno of support.

Maybe don't vociferously attack the families of massacred school kids (we've seen how that ends), but otherwise you can get away with quite a bit. Though companies like Facebook and Twitter have tightened up their regulations, there's still some 'wild west' sensibilities on those platforms. Hell, I saw a video of a lady breastfeeding a chihuahua that had over 40,000 likes. So, mind your P's and Q's, and you'll be just fine.

In any case, becoming the next Muhammad Ali of conspiracies may wind up being a short lived career move. My own theory is that Alex Jones won't be gone for long. Any money this carnival pundit still has after the Sandy Hook lawsuit, will probably go to suing his way back into the public sphere.

Then again, I've seen people claiming that this was a way for Jones to retire as a martyr. A conspiracy within a conspiracy, if you will.

In either case, I wouldn't linger too long if this is a field that interests you.

Good luck!

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