'Trump Trains' Aren't Helping His Re-election Chances

In case you’re fortunate enough to not be familiar with the term ‘Trump Train,’ there’s a practical and relatable association to help. You know when some guy who’s touched one and a half boobs in his life spends 112 hours and $20,000 suping up a 1988 Honda Civic so that he can tear ass through your neighborhood shows up at 2:00 am and pisses off your dogs with the high-pitched squeal of his virgin wagon? It’s like that. But it’s hundreds of mouth-breathing dipshits hanging fanboy flags off of the backs of their Ford F-150s and fucking up traffic for the other 66% of the US.

Politics aside, despising those who cause traffic maladies is an American tradition. Hell, we scowl at poor bastards who break down on the highway half of the time, with little to no regard for how much more it sucks for them than it does for us. Apple pie, baseball, and having mini rage strokes over being somewhat inconvenienced on the highway. These are true American ideals.

So, what’s the goal with these mind-numbing caravans of idiocy so close to election day? Are these superfans of the silver spoon POTUS under the impression that the sight of them going 30 miles under the speed limit and whipping Natty Light cans out of their truck cabs is gonna swing the fence riders? Is this some last minute attempt to sway votes, or simply a going away party for their daddy? What in the actual fuck are they doing?

Before someone who can’t think past two parties says something like “wHaT aBoUt bLm bLoCkInG tHE hIgHwAyS?” I didn’t think that was a good idea either, though I fully support the idea that black lives do in fact matter. So it just comes down to a strategic difference. The more inconvenienced people are by you, the less likely they are to come around to your side. I have no data to support that claim, by the way. But it definitely seems like common sense. I will say, at least those protests were about the survival of marginalized citizens and not a vanity pageant for a cowardly little fraction of a man who’s an abject and consummate failure. The former wins on ideals, even if the execution in this regard isn’t something I would go for.

Blocking traffic, ramming campaign volunteers, and collecting in a pool of vehicular dumb-fuckery seems like nothing more than a sad and desperate attempt to get people on your side. It’s feckless, brainless, and useless. Perfectly on-brand for the guy represented. If I were undecided and you made me late for my essential job during the pandemic that your champion has exacerbated, there is a zero percent chance that I'm going to give you a positive response at the ballot box. Even if I went to the polls hard as a towel rack over the idea of casting a brick-through-the-window vote, it wouldn’t be for Trump after one of these displays. All you’d have done is changed the window that my brick is gonna fly through.

These consolation processions for a terrified breed of American who’s in the throes of death in the light of (hopeful) civility are as useless as a check on a Trump building contract. They represent the final anguished cries of a fragile and pathetic beast. The purported ‘silent majority’ showing its ability to transition into the loudest and most obnoxious minority. The living embodiment of the fantasy of the victimized Evangelical or GOP voter, cruising 45 to heil 45, and obtusely aggravating strangers during every excruciating mile.

It’s impossible for anyone with even the most pedestrian social life to fully understand, and the hope of bigly pile-ups is about all that the thinking portion of the country can rest their weary heads upon. It’s just another sad stain on the foundation of American politics, and it just has to end at this point. The war of attrition has taken its toll.

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